An open letter to U of O fans

Dear Duck Fans,

First, I would like to congratulate you for your commanding win over Southern Cal on Saturday. I really enjoyed it. In fact, I watched the entire thing because it was so fun to watch the USC defense get dismantled in the way I have long believed possible. You made the Trojans look weak, and also super classy (apparently tough competitors like Pete Carroll don't have to shake hands with the opposing team's coach after the game).

But let's get down to brass tacks: stop being assholes.

Seriously. Let's not forget what led to this victory. You opened up the regular season with a highly anticipated Thursday night game in Boise, in which you were embarrassed 19-8 and attracted a bit of negative attention in the form of your "star" running back punching an opposing player, his own teammate and attempting to go into the stands after a fan.

You then proceeded to make a big show of telling that "star" running back, and the media, that he was suspended for the remainder of the season. And THEN you decided to maybe reinstate him when you realized that he might come in handy in a BCS bowl.

So yes, it was a great win for the program. I mean, sure, the Washington Huskies beat USC already this season, and they were winless last season. But a big win, no doubt.

Here's the problem with the Ducks fans I am currently dealing with here in Oregon: you forget why you hate USC so much.

So let me remind you. You hate USC fans because they're cocky, because they think they're better than you, because they are sure that they'll beat everyone and are poor sports about it when they don't.

Right now? You're acting like them. Instead of basking in a good win, you're acting like you've always been this good, like your team is far superior to USC's. And frankly that's just false. You're a decent program, but statistically you're not doing so hot in the Trojans v. Ducks series... I mean, shit. You lost to USC 44-10 last season. And trust me, I'm not defending USC. I am no fan of the Trojans.

But until you have something to be really proud of, like a Rose Bowl win after 1917 (this is a fact), keep quiet. I'm not suggesting your string of trips to the Holiday Bowl isn't impressive. But maybe take a lesson from my playbook when I root for Boston College: I like to act continually amazed that we win any games at all. Humility will never come back to bite you.

And then win the next four games on your schedule so you're guaranteed a spot in the Rose Bowl instead of suggesting it's a certainty that you're going already.

Sorry. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Sincerely,
Sheila