You're sooooo funny, douchebag with sign

Some people have asked me in the past about Erin Andrews, the sportscaster for ESPN. I demurred a bit, because I have a lot of mixed feelings about Ms. Andrews. I do like what she does, and I think she's good at it.

Then I saw this. And I have to tell you, it made me really angry. I like football, and I am a girl. And I don't like to turn on the television to watch Game Day at the asscrack of dawn in Bend, freaking Oregon where there will be no football played by anyone other than mediocre high school teams, and have to see that. I have a very strong idea of what the guy holding that sign looks like.

I picture someone like Buzz from Home alone, except more hung over and stinky from the previous night's liquor.

This sign officially puts me in the Erin Andrews camp for good. I will disregard all of her sort of bogus in-the-locker-room flirting and the touching of arms during halftime interviews.

Go Erin!

Tebow throws up, too

Well. it's been an interesting day.

First off, all power to the Boston College Eagles who come back after achieving less than 100 yards of offense last week to beat Wake Forest in OT! I dislike Wake for a few reasons, including that their quarterback is named Riley Skinner, which just seems like a made-up name. As you may recall, I've nursed a long and meaningless grudge against Wake Forest ever since this mean girl threatened to have her boyfriend beat me up after I mocked her school in a Wake Forest bar (who knew? There were Wake Forest bars?). Anyway, proud of the Eagles for bouncing back and I like our 93-year-old quarterback.

In other news, Notre Dame once again had to pull it out in the last freaking second, this time to Purdue (who I should point out lost to both the Oregon Ducks and the Northern Illinois whatever their mascot is). There's nothing worse than leaving your television set for the first time all day at 7 p.m. to go see a movie, thinking the team has the game in hand. And then you discover that they nearly freaking lost! PS I went to see Whip It! And it was freaking awesome.

Tim Tebow was amazing today mostly because after I lost my will to watch him anymore, he proceeded to get jacked by a Kentucky defender, wander around and almost fall down confused, throw up repeatedly as he was being taken into the locker room, and then had to go to the hospital and is staying overnight with a concussion. Man, I guess those "respiratory illness" problems will put you on your back, huh?

And how 'bout those Ducks, eh? I feel like LaMarcus Blount, oh he of the magic sucker punch, is pretty amazed that Oregon is surviving without him. And by surviving I mean knocking the ever living shit out of Cal today, 42-3. I for one am shocked that #6 Bears are unable to even score a touchdown against the Ducks. Though to be fair, their uniforms were pretty ridiculously awesome today. Check these throwback helmets!



Was also impressed by Arizona State today, even if they did lose in the last second to Georgia. Who knew the Sun Devils had it in them? And also I'm really curious about Cincinnati. I guess I rarely hear of a school that is named after a city instead of a state doing well. But now here is Cincinnati and Houston (who beat Texas Tech and are looking like they might be for real).

Favorite fact learned today: when Illinois and (The) Ohio State University play against one another, they play for the Illibuck Trophy, which is a wooden turtle. Interestingly, they used to play for a REAL TURTLE. Fact.



Finally, let me say it did my heart good to see Miami get it beat up on by Virginia Tech. That was fun. It reminded me how much joy I take when I see Miami lose. I take back everything I said that was positive about the Canes. They are the worst.

AND Penn State loses on the day they have their little WHITE OUT, and Florida State loses to freaking South Florida? Man. It's all just too much.

But I think I have to leave you all with this: right now I'm watching ESPN and they are literally doing a courtroom bit where Rece Davis is wearing a judge's robe, Lou Holtz and Mark May are arguing which non-BCS team is best. It makes me sad for them. Do they think no one is watching?

Vomiting before the game

Seriously -- I'm watching the Florida game right now while I wait for the ND-Purdue and Penn State-Iowa games to start. As a rule I don't watch Florida because I don't like listening to the announcers fellate (as in fellatio) Tim Tebow. It's really embarrassing to me.

Anyway, so I'm watching this and they keep replaying video of a couple Florida players vomiting before the game starts. They obviously have the flu (not a respiratory illness like Florida is claiming while they busily infect everyone on the field), and frankly? I know what the flu looks like. I've experienced a bit of barf in my day. I don't need to watch football players to do it. Just tell me they have the flu and I'll believe it.

Now they're talking about Tim Tebow pretty exclusively because it's 24-0, and here are two annoying facts about Tim Tebow: he sits in on coaches' meetings. He is not a coach.

And also, Tim Tebow has Frank Sinatra on his iPod. Oh holy shit! Can you imagine? These freaking announcers are so desperate to find something new they can share about him that they're willing to suggest that not many players have one of the best-ever musicians on their iPods? I'm sorry. I think that's just straight ridiculous.

And apparently, Tim Tebow just said to his coach: "Feel free to ride me. Ride this horse." I am going to have to turn this off.

Bret Bielema

Wisconsin Badgers had a decent win over Michigan State today, but seriously I think in the world of less-than-bright-looking people, Wisconsin's head coach Bret Bielema wins the day:




He just NEVER closes his mouth. It's unfortunate.

Other thoughts after the morning games...I think we're going to get REALLY REALLY tired of hearing about Tate Forcier. I am already tired of him. He's the freshman quarterback for Michigan, and he's had some lucky games so far this season. He also has made some real bonehead, freshman mistakes, but I think he'll be pretty good. I just don't know that I can handle listening to people talk about this person as the savior of college football for four years:




I don't foresee him making No Helmets anytime soon.

Those pesky Gamecocks!

Let me get something out at the start of this post: I hate Steve Spurrier. I don't even have a reason to hate him. I just do. I dislike that his nickname is The Old Ball Coach when there are other, older ball coaches in the game, I dislike this Sports Illustrated story about him from like 15 years ago. If only you could see the picture that ran with that story. It's unbelievable -- he's on an exercise bike in the stadium working out. It will take 10 years off your life.

Anyway, tonight South Carolina beat the holy hell out of Ole Miss, which was surprising since Ole Miss was ranked #4 in the country. The score, 16-10, doesn't really do it justice, since the Rebels' quarterback was like 5 for 15 with 54 yards going into the fourth quarter. It was atrocious. As a side note: the Rebs' QB is named Jevan Snead. For those playing at home, that is not pronounced Je-VAHN. It is apparently pronounced Jevan, like Kevin. What?

More amazing yet: the head coach of Ole Miss is named HOUSTON NUTT. I can't make this stuff up. It's too good to be true.

Here's something interesting about the loss: apparently Ole Miss has an outbreak of swine flu on campus and like 30 of its players were out last week. And I read a really interesting article about swine flu and sports and how most schools are recommending that kids be away from other kids until they've been fever-free for 24 hours, and yet here we've got all these kids suiting up with "flu-like symptoms" and spreading them to their teammates. I get it: it's college football, you're on scholarship, sack up and play. And yet. Seems like maybe you'd want to quarantine your random 3rd-string punter so he doesn't give swine flu to your starting QB. Such a dilemma!

Lastly, dear sad USC fan pointed this out to me a few days ago and I have been remiss in not including it: an Oregon fan pissed about his team's performance against Boise State sent a letter to the new coach, Chip Kelly, along with an invoice for the $439 he spent on travel and accommodations and tickets. Chip Kelly sent him a check.

I can't decide whether I should write Chip Kelly to tell him I want that portion of my cable bill back or not. But I'm going to call it even, because the endless replays of that dumbass Blount sucker-punching the Idahoan totally made up for the crappy game.

Whoa health problems

So if you've ever wondered if college football is brutal, then let me show you the top stories on ESPN.com today:

• LB Jones among 6 out of Gators practice for flu
• Nothing serious: Irish's Clausen has turf toe
• USC's Carroll banking on Barkley, Mays return
• Cal's Boateng out 4-6 weeks with broken foot
• Lacerated kidney hospitalizes Louisville's Simien
• Meyer rips Vols' play calling; Kiffin fires back
• Penn State LB Bowman OK to play against Iowa
• Wazzu's Montgomery out for year after surgery
• Starter, two subs suspended by Iowa State
• Draft blog: J. Locker shouldn't celebrate yet

That would be seven of the top 10 stories. I just saw that and thought it was interesting. It's not like I have anything interesting to say; it would be pretty ridiculous of me to say that these guys shouldn't be practicing so much or playing so hard because they're getting hurt. Because you know what? If they weren't practicing so much or playing so hard I wouldn't want to watch them so much.

Anyway. Just a thought.

I don't have much to say. But I was considering the segment, No Helmets. Now, I am a big fan of a solidly hot football player. I was just thinking, I am getting a little old to be checking out a 19-year-old. So I was curious whether any of you believe there are some hot coaches out there that we could also feature? I'm taking suggestions.

NO HELMETS

In honor of Michael Floyd, the star receiver for ND who is out the rest of the season with a broken collarbone, check him out. I think he's pretty darn cute:



And here's the Top 25 for ya.

1. Florida
2. Texas
3. Alabama
4. Mississippi
5.Penn State
6. Cal
7. LSU
8. Boise State
9. Miami
10. Oklahoma
11. Virginia Tech
12. USC
13. Ohio State
14. Cincinnati
15. TCU
16. Oklahoma State
17. Houston
18. Florida State
19. Brigham Young
20. Kansas
21. Georgia
22. North Carolina
23. Michigan
24. Washington
25. Nebraska

Sucks to...

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen:


One of the best parts about being a BC fan was how easy it was to mock BU.

Holy smokes

Well, folks, today was not a good day to be a Boston College fan. An ugly 25-7 loss made worse by how long it went on due to lightning storm delays. Seriously? It was so bad, I wondered if they could just call it after the 3rd quarter.

Here's how you know your team sucks: 54 yards of offense. Nope, that's not how many yards our quarterback (who by the way is named TUGGLE) had; that's how many yards our entire team had through the entire game. Yuck.

So I wash my hands of Boston College today, and I move onto USC's seriously pathetic loss to Washington, 16-13. My dad always reminds me that the Millers are supporters of a Husky-free Northwest. That said, I gotta give it to the Dawgs tonight, pulling off the last-second win over Southern Cal. The Trojans were ranked #3 in the country. I think everyone knew, after last week, that USC was beatable. They are not the Trojans of previous years, at least. But being close late against USC is dangerous -- they're the kind of team that makes big plays, the kind of team you watch and are like, see? Now why can't we do that? (We being whoever you're rooting for who inevitably fumbles on 3rd and 1 or throws an interception in the end zone).

So that was an enjoyable part of the night. Particularly because when things don't go Pete Carroll's way, this is what he looks like (note the mock turtleneck):



The interesting part of this game, I think, is the Washington story. This team won NO games last year. Literally, 0-12. So now this new coach (who used to be an offensive coordinator for USC -- ouch, now that stings!) shows up to replace Ty Willingham (another story for another day) and his team puts up a big game against LSU, then goes out two weeks later and beats USC? Wow. That's awesome.

Anyway, that wasn't the only fun part of the day. You guys remember BYU's Bronco Mendenhall? Yeah, BYU was ranked #7 in the country, then went out and were summarily dismantled by Florida State, 54-28. I support putting Mormons where they belong. So. Goodbye Bronco. Back to the WAC for you.

And then there was Virginia Tech. My brother was at the game; he brings a little TV to watch the ND game at the VT games, it's kind of adorable. He'd texted me to say the VT game was disappointing, and I was hanging out with my parents and saw the score was 15-10 with less than a minute to go, so I'd sort of given up hoping the Hokies would beat Nebraska.

And then I received this sort of panicky, ridiculous screaming phone call from him telling me he'd just witnessed the greatest game except for the 2005 ND-USC game, which I didn't really understand because USC beat ND in the last second of that game with the Bush Push. And then I saw that they'd beaten the Huskers after all. Pretty awesome. My mom told him to stay out of jail and he yelled "NOT BY MUCH!" and hung up on me. So I'm hoping that he doesn't have another incident in which we get kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings at like 7:30 p.m. after he runs up, slaps the TV and tells the entire bar to fuck off for rooting against ND.

ND also pulled off a win today, but not by much. Their best receiver broke his collarbone too. Which is annoying.

Alright, I leave you with this side-by-side comparison, brought to my attention by a grieving USC fan who was probably hoping one of Colt McCoy's googly eyes would be gauged out today (alas, not to be).

Check out weird turtle-face, googly-eye Tyler Hansbrough (who has a super super annoying commercial out right now), and his equally not-smart-looking doppelganger, Colt McCoy:


I probably could have found a better comparison shot but this one of Tyler made me laugh a lot.

Goodnight, girls! Tomorrow I'll look for a good No Helmets...

Clemson

First, a little too late, Big Ten officials: Mouton suspended for punch

Tomorrow, Boston College will take on Clemson.

In a shocking twist, I have some thoughts on this game. First, I think it's likely to be ugly; I've yet to be convinced that BC is any good, and that goes for Clemson as well.

I really like Clemson -- I went to a game down there a few years ago and it was a lot of fun. They know, like very few schools do, how to tailgate. Alas, they're nowhere near as good at flip cup as my epic team from 2005. But just because we beat Clemson fans 21-0 at flip cup doesn't mean that Clemson kids don't know how to party.

But I digress.

Clemson had two really good running backs the past couple years, and they referred to themselves as Thunder and Lightning. One of them is still around: CJ Spiller, or Lightning. I know I'll regret saying this, but Lightning has carried 24 times for less than 100 yards. I expect more.

Also, they've got a pretty good receiver named Jacoby Ford. Which makes me kind of happy because, as all girls know, Jacoby Ellsbury is adorable and a Red Sox outfielder. Who knew there were two Jacobys in the world? Fascinating.

Anyway, those are your two people to keep an eye on. This game starts at 9 a.m. on my coast, so I'll be keeping an eye on morning beers and maybe some eggs and bacon.

Go Eagles!

And as a final note, I already regret yesterday's post, because I just came across this photo on www.deadspin.com. If you don't know Deadspin, it is way way better than my blog. I was kidding. I hate Miami, I hate Miami's fans, I hate everything about the school. Sick sick sick.

Miami -- Georgia Tech: or, why Randy Shannon might save us all

I'm going to be honest with you girls.

I didn't watch the Georgia Tech v. Miami game tonight, because I was at work until 8 p.m. writing a probably unreadable opus about the No Child Left Behind Act. Seriously. That's my excuse.

That said, I took the time to read up on it and watch the highlights, and this is what I've gleaned: the ACC is totally going to suck this year.

Case in point: Georgia Tech stuns Clemson. Miami stuns Georgia Tech. Who will now stun Georgia Tech? NC State? This does not bode well. Every conference needs the teams that dominate, and the teams that are foils off of which those teams can rack up massive yardage. Or, alternatively, there must be a bunch of really good teams. Instead, it appears that this year the ACC will feature a bunch of really mediocre teams, and the result will be that everyone beats everyone else, then the ACC Champion will go to the BCS bowl and be stomped upon.

The ACC wasn't very good last year. I mean, they can't hold a candle to the SEC, for example. But it kind of annoys me that right after BC left the Big East, that annoyingly large conference decided to have a bunch of breakout teams. As a rule, I will always believe that Rutgers was overrated. Still, it's kind of weird, right? Back when Boston College was in the Big East, we knew our place. We snuck up a bit on some of the really good teams, we beat up on Rutgers, then we lost our chance to go to the BCS bowls by losing to Syracuse by like 7 touchdowns.

So what's next? If one of the traditional powerhouses in the ACC loses to Duke, what remains sacred? It will be like dogs and cats living together. Anarchy. Then Tom O'Brien will start going for it on 4th downs or something. It's nonsensical. I won't be able to keep it straight.

Also, here's the first thing that should come to your mind when you see Miami start winning games: NCAA violations, free shoes, impending murder probably about to take place on campus, grading scandal.

But I actually think (hope) that could be changing, thanks to their coach, Randy Shannon. He's had a couple tough years getting the program going, but can you blame him? He's seemingly trying to do it without letting his team be overrun by guys like this:

Miami - Florida International brawl set to music

Here's how Donna Shalala describes Shannon on the Miami web site: "Randy Shannon is Miami - tough, disciplined, smart, caring, passionate, enthusiastic, and no-nonsense."

Now I don't particularly think of Miami as any of those things, but if Randy Shannon is like that, then more power to him.

And check out this (awesome and incredibly well-written) profile of him in Sports Illustrated a while back: Hiding in Plain Sight

I hope he's the real deal. I also hope that BC lays Miami out at the end of the season.

A few thoughts before Thursday night

First off:

Today Myles Brand, the NCAA president who did a few really awesome things, died of cancer at age 67.

One of the cool things he did before he took over the NCAA, that probably surprised a lot of people, was that he tried to make Bobby Knight stop being an asshole. When it became clear that no one could keep Bobby Knight from being an asshole, he fired him.

Then he went to the NCAA and made valiant attempts to remind schools that their NCAA players were "student-athletes."

You can read his full obit here: Myles Brand

A few things I would really like to see from the next NCAA president: a push to actually enforce Title IX, and to really knock the shit out of schools that use kids who are great athletes but not bright students, then throw them away without graduating. That bothers me a lot.

Okay, now for some football...

First off: In a shocking twist, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez tells everyone (without tears this time) that he didn't see his players being jerks. Which is hard to believe, since he apparently sees his players for 10 hours each day. Ha! I slay me!

In other news: Jim Tressel, oh he of the sweater vest and continuous losses to Top 10 teams, is under some fire because he apparently isn't so hot at calling plays but insists on doing so. I'm a big believer in accepting what you're good at and knowing your weaknesses. And Tressel's greatest strength is, say it with me, wearing sweater vests.

Lastly, I really didn't enjoy the entire preseason being about Tim Tebow and how spectacular he was and how much every male sportswriter wanted to be him or be with him. I mean, the kid's still at Florida but they've already enshrined his "speech" that he gave after the Gators' loss to last fall on the entrance of the football stadium. That, in my opinion, is like retiring someone's jersey when they're still in school.

The speech, by the way, indicates to me that while I'm sure he's both sweet and bright, he's not a communications major.

Now, Florida is currently 2-0, but they haven't played anyone yet. I think they'll be spectacular again this year. But I'd like everyone to stop freaking out about Tim Tebow. Like, you know, NFL teams already talking to him before the Gators have even seen an SEC opponent this year. Yes, he's likely to be a great pro quarterback (like Matt Ryan!). But let's just wait it out, huh?

Also, and this is for Jess, I do accept nominations for No Helmets.

Apparently, I'm a whiner. That said, here's a hot guy.

Well I've been informed that I am just oversensitive about ND and that the refs are perfect in every way. I've also been watching the VMAs tonight, and I have some things to say:
1) Pink, if I don't like your song when you're singing it on the floor, I'm not going to like it when you're swinging in the sky.
2) Lady Gaga, you are terrifying.
3) Kanye West, you're a huge huge jerk. Even if you're right.

Now then, on with the show.

This poor cutie broke his jaw this week, and so for that he will be honored tonight with the NO HELMETS award.

Ladies, meet Kevin Prince, the QB for UCLA. Poor little fella.

Let's define a hold, since apparently Big 10 officials are unclear.

So I just watched ND lose to Michigan. I am clearly not pleased with this game, for a variety of reasons.

Charlie Weis's playcalling in the Irish's final possession was terrible -- two minutes remain and you decide to throw twice, thereby allowing the clock to stop after each incompletion. Super smart.

But more than that, if Michigan is curious who to thank for their big win, I think that should go to the Big 10 officiating crew who handed it to them. I am not big on excuses, but I would like to point out several things:

1) ND was called for holds throughout the game, which is fine. A hold, for those uninitiated, is when an offensive player uses his hands while blocking. I am in no way saying ND didn't hold. What I'm interested in is why Michigan holds were so rarely called. Here's a sure way to know there's holding taking place: there's a gigantic hole, and no one seems to be even remotely in the area of the runner. Or you are watching the game and you see a lineman literally grabbing the defense. Yes, you saw a lot of that when Michigan got big runs.

2) Excessive celebration by Armando Allen. You tell me that what he did isn't something you see on a regular basis in all college games, and I will eat my hat.

I am actually too angry to even point out that the clock changed from 11, to 10, to 9 seconds when the ball was untouched on the kickoff. And I'm also too angry to explain why Boubakar Cissuko (who was destroyed by Michael Floyd today) should have received several pass interference penalties.

Suffice it to say I will now be rooting ever harder for the earth to open up and swallow both the Ohio State and Southern Cal teams today.

Uncanny lookalikes

Here's a look at why I refer to Boston College as having Tom Selleck for a head coach...



Now then.

Here's another thing I love about Boston College today. I mean, aside from the fact that they're destroying the mighty Kent State -- and to be clear, I've decided to support their attacks on creampuff teams this year because I have a feeling they're going to have a tough rest of the season...

Last year, ACC Defensive Player of the Year Mark Herzlich was diagnosed with cancer. He's taking this season off (it's possible he'll never play football again) and is enrolled at BC, although he's in the midst of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. So here's why I love Boston College:

100 percent of proceeds go to the American Cancer Society to support research on Ewing's Sarcoma, which is the type of cancer Herzlich is suffering from. Go Eagles!

Predictions.

Nothing makes me want to hand out a couple predictions than when I listen to 70's soft rock.

And so here we are. There are three decent games this weekend, which to my mind is not enough. But we'll make the best of it, shall we?

First, there's the ND-Michigan game. People seem surprised that I'm not out shit-talking Michigan already and saying ND will win by 40. Well, I've learned through the years both as a BC and an ND fan that this early in the season, confidence is a dangerous thing. I mean, I think ND looked really good last weekend (the belted gut of Charlie Weis aside).

I didn't watch the Michigan game because I happen to hate Michigan. But I'm told by some of the commies in my office who actively root for the Wolverines that they looked strong as well. But it's hard to tell -- ND played Nevada, which is supposed to have one of the strongest offenses in the nation but looked like what I imagine BU would look like if they could rustle up a football team. Michigan played the ever-mighty Western Michigan, and dominated them as well. Interesting fact: Western Michigan's mascot, like the BYU coach, is the Broncos. Ha!

So I just worry that it's a bit early for any of us to believe that this is the year Michigan and ND will renew a decent rivalry or play solid football.

But just for argument's sake, let me say that I believe the game will be: ND 27, Michigan 17.

And for further argument's sake, here's an interesting take by the WSJ: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203440104574401173835870970.html

As for USC - Ohio State, I think last week's near-loss to Navy spells trouble for Ohio State. I mean, you invite a service academy to your school for one reason: to pad your schedule by beating the tar out of our future national heroes. To be fair, football players who attend Navy, Army, etc., they've got some other things going on in their lives and school schedules. However, the Midshipmen very nearly defeated Ohio State, so that one didn't go as planned for the Buckeyes (worst freaking mascot ever). USC will dominate. I am expecting 35-7? That seems about right.

And then there's the Tennessee - UCLA. I really could care less about either of these teams, but I have a hard time swallowing the idea that two teams from LA are good. So I choose to imagine Tennessee taking a strong strong stand against UCLA, particularly since it's in Rocky Top. So let's just go ahead and admit it: the Pac-10 is more Oregon State than USC, if you know what I mean. I call Tennessee by at least 14.

Friends, I'll see you tomorrow for Game Day.

Oh for God's sake...

Like a U.S. representative inappropriately booing and heckling the President during his address, I have some grievances to share and can think of no better time.

Here's your AP Top 25 this week.
1. Florida
2. Texas
3. USC
4. Alabama
5. Oklahoma State
6. Mississippi
7. Penn State
8. Ohio State
9. Brigham Young
10. California
11. LSU
12. Boise State
13. Oklahoma
14. Virginia Tech
15. Georgia Tech
16. TCU
17. Utah
18. Notre Dame
19. North Carolina
20. Miami
21. Georgia
22. Nebraska
23. Cincinnati
24. Kansas
25. Mizzou

I find polls to be a pain in the butt for a number of reasons. First, after a first week when teams like Nebraska and Penn State went out and dominated weak, weak opponents, they're rewarded when it's unclear yet whether they're good enough to beat real teams.

Then you've got BYU, which beat Oklahoma thanks I'm guessing in part to the Heisman Trophy Winner's game-ending (four-game ending) shoulder injury.

Or, for example, you've placed Cincinnati in the top 25 because they beat Rutgers handily. I get that Rutgers was supposed to be good, but they sure didn't look good. So what makes everyone believe that Cincy will be any good the next 11 games of the season? And finally, Boise State takes down Oregon but not without having three turnovers in the game. So they're now ranked 12th? It just seems early to be making statements.

Especially when those statements include Ohio State (which very nearly lost to Navy) dropping only two spots.

Christian Ponder

Another in the series I call...

NO HELMETS

Christian Ponder, the quarterback for Florida State University.

Miami - Florida State; or, why college football got a bad rap

Tonight's main event and last remaining joy of the Labor Day Weekend comes in the form of the Miami - Florida State game.

There was a time when this game would have been a showstopper, something most fans would have dropped everything to check out.

That time has passed, partly because the teams, when playing by the rules, just aren't as good as they used to be.

1) Miami: This is a school that's consistently broken the rules over the past 20 years

For the past couple years, it's seemed like the U is trying to turn themselves around, although that massive brawl with Florida International, in which I was fortunate enough to watch one Miami player stamp on an FIU player's head.

2) Florida State: And the Hurricanes aren't alone in their problems

Florida State has had its share of problems. Right now it's clear to me at least that Bobby Bowden doesn't do much actual interacting with his players, and as a result his "student-athletes" spent a lot of time getting away with not actually attending classes.

Now, one of my favorite Sports Illustrated covers of all times:



For those of you unfamiliar with the magazine's reasoning (in 1995), here's a highlight. The article was written as an open letter to the university's president:

During the past decade your school enrolled and suited up at least one player who had scored a 200 on his verbal SAT—the number you get for spelling your name correctly. An on-campus disturbance, involving some 40 members of the football team, required 14 squad cars and a police dog to quell. Fifty-seven players were implicated in a financial-aid scandal that the feds call "perhaps the largest centralized fraud upon the federal Pell Grant program ever committed." And among numerous cases of improper payments to players from agents was one in which the nondelivery of a promised installment led a Hurricane player to barge into an agent's office and put a gun to his head.

The illegal acts with which your Hurricanes have been charged run the gamut from disorderly conduct and shoplifting to drunken driving, burglary, arson, assault and sexual battery. Surely you read the exhaustive and chilling piece about your football program in The Miami Herald of May 18. That paper's reporters did the math: No fewer than one of every seven scholarship players on last season's team has been arrested while enrolled at your university.

Anyway, I really enjoyed that, even though it was 14 years ago. I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before a similar story is written about USC, though SI will have to decide between writing the open letter about its football program or its basketball program. How to pick between Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo?

Let's have a talk about a coach named Bronco

Yes, that's correct. BYU is coached by a man named Bronco Mendenhall.

First let's be straight: I don't think BYU would have won if Oklahoma's Heisman-winning QB hadn't gone down with a shoulder injury during the first half. And so the random people who root for Brigham Young University should hold off on their decision that this is their redemption year.

The game aside, I'd like to talk about what Bronco Mendenhall's resume must look like. Like, my resume has my name in large letters at the top. So. Does he have the same? Also of note, he used to work as offensive coordinator under a man named Rocky. So the main coaches at New Mexico State during that period of time were named Bronco and Rocky.

I keep a list of names on my desk of children we meet at the paper who have ridiculous names. Bronco would make that list. I always wonder what a person who is named Bronco would have been like with the name Carl, or Phil. I'm guessing not a football coach.

***

A few other thoughts -- ND looked great today, as did a variety of other schools (USC, BC, Florida, etc). The change in Notre Dame (and in Michigan, to be fair) is that the Irish looked crisp. They didn't turn over the ball, they didn't look confused, and they protected their QB. If you can do that, you'll win your games.

Based on today's play, I would guess USC destroys Ohio State next weekend. OSU barely pulled off the win against Navy. If you can't handily beat a service academy, you're not in a good position.

I was thrilled to see Paulus fail in his attempt at an OT win today. Yes, I am a bad person for wishing ill on a person I've never met.

Shoutout to Ming for rightly pointing out that, should Sam Bradford need a nurse to help him recover after his injury today, there are plenty of ladies out there willing to head for Oklahoma...



Last thing I'm curious about: what is the deal with UNC? I have always assumed that the Heels would suck at football. When I see them on BC's schedule, I skip over it. And yet, they're currently ranked, and that's weird to me. So I'm curious what everyone is seeing. When did this team get good?

Person to dislike on opening Saturday

I can't BELIEVE I failed to point this out.

Here you go:

Greg Paulus, Syracuse QB



Now some of you who don't pay much attention to sports are saying, but Sheila that's a picture of the super super annoying point guard for Duke who lost his starting job at the end of his senior year. And to that I say, yes. Yes it is.

Greg Paulus is now starting quarterback for Syracuse. And I know this makes me sound like a bad person, but he's tops on my list of people I hope face a career-ending knee injury in their first game. I think it will be interesting to see how he deals with this sport; he can't really flop quite as much.

Oh and for the record, on his first play at scrimmage, the snap went over his head and Syracuse lost the ball.

For the USC fans.

I am not a USC fan. I am quite the opposite. And so I like to think that this very talented safety will be suspended or will somehow violate NCAA rules very soon. But until then, I am a huge fan of Taylor Mays, another in our series...

NO HELMETS

The muscles alone are spectacular, and we all know I love me a big man. But holy smokes if those thighs don't just make a girl want to be a cheerleader. Okay, I'm done.

Here it comes...

So I have like 19 things to say, and luckily there are like 6 people out there who are interested. Lucky for them I'm not calling them right now, at 11 p.m. on a Friday when I've had several sweet tea vodka and lemonades. Which reminds me, friends. Go get yourself some sweet tea vodka. You will not regret it.

Now then:

First off, LaGarrette Blount (again, totally a real name, not a pseudonym) is suspended for the season. And as you can imagine, I have some thoughts on this. So Mr. Blount is suspended but remains on the team and maintains his scholarship, etc. To be fair, this is his last year of eligibility, so he's screwed either way, will likely not be drafted to the NFL (I'm sorry but he wouldn't have been drafted either way, as long as you're not talking to Duck fans). Here's my problem: I don't make much money. But much of the money I do make goes to taxes, and a small small percentage of that? Yeah, it goes to University of Oregon, because it's a public university. And while I'm pretty sure that Nike co-founder Phil Knight is probably paying the vast majority of sports scholarships at U of O, I do have a bit of a problem with the idea that a person who just threw several punches on national television continues to go to school for free. I mean, if I'd gotten the very prestigious right to attend college in Eugene, OR (I didn't apply, to be clear, but was accepted) I would have had to pay. And to be clear: I never once threw a punch at anyone during my college years, nor did I lose five yards in eight carries. So. Mr. Blount is getting a free education in spite of all this. And since I cover education in my real job, I see an awful lot of very smart, talented young people every day deciding to attend community college in lieu of attending a much more expensive state college. And I don't think that's fair.

Another thing. This evening I watched a 20/20 about Amish teenagers doing their creepy "wilding" thing, and first I have to tell you that this obviously means I have a hugely exciting social life here in Bend, OR. Secondly, these teens' troubled decisions about whether to go out into the world and buy cell phones and listen to rock music and use zippers or return home and rock the straw hat was an interesting experience for me because it sort of reminded me of what it was like to decide whether to root for Notre Dame.

That was the longest sentence I've ever published.

Now, I was raised to love Notre Dame, and I do. I love the school. I went to at least one game there each year starting in eighth grade. My first game was ND - USC, when ND beat USC by I believe a field goal. That was like 1993, and I am too hot on sweet tea vodka-lemonade to promise you that I'm correct in that statement. But still.

I also attended an ND-BC game my junior year of high school, before I discovered that Boston College is one of the coolest places on earth. And at that event, we watched several rowdy BC fans pass out drunk during the fourth quarter, and my mother was horrified. Little did she know.

Anyway, my point is this: like the Amish, all ND fans must eventually make a decision: does a person continue to root for the Irish after seeing what else is out there in the world? When they see that some schools don't play by the rules, don't stick by a coach that isn't winning because he embodies their ideals, but instead go for the win time after time and get it? Does a person continue to root for the Irish after years of indoctrination because they really really care about the school, or because they are just straight up too mangled from so many years of brainwashing that they don't know any better?

I feel I'm a great example. I rooted for the Irish from birth. Then I didn't get in. And frankly, in retrospect? Greatest thing that ever happened to me. I didn't have to live in South Bend, I got to go to BC and clearly that was epic. And now I've returned to the fold, like a little Amish teenager after a wilding of Bud Light and jail time for setting buggies on fire. I root for them for a couple reasons: they're in my soul, and they're my ideal. I dream of a day when BC can get that many people to show up to a road game. I long for the days of 1988, when I wore an awesome gold sweatsuit and pranced around through a national championship season, blithely unaware that this historic event would not again happen for at least 21 years, probably 40.

Anyway, a huge GO IRISH to ND tomorrow against Nevada. I don't think they'll need it, but they're definitely not going to cover the spread, particularly not with that clown Jimmy Clausen running the QB position. I call ND by 7, but way too close for comfort. As for VTech, I'm calling them over Alabama because I think Nick Saban is a stinker. And other than that, I have no idea. I mean, BC better beat Northeastern. But really? If we can't beat a I-AA team, we don't deserve to win. OK. I'm done.

A final thought, from a brilliant sports columnist: http://www.oregonlive.com/sports/oregonian/john_canzano/index.ssf/2009/09/canzano_legarrette_blount_has.html

Roast Duck

Boise State 19, Oregon 8

A few thoughts on tonight's game, which featured the least interesting of Oregon's hideous uniforms (above), which please note GLOW IN THE DARK. First, when I tell you Boise State wins by 10 and they win by 11, well, I'm prescient. Now then:

1) This was a sloppy game. First half was great, with Boise State going up early and looking dominant, but the second half was not so hot. I like watching Oregon get beat, but I'd much rather see a decent game with fewer miscues.

2) I like Boise State, I really do. They're consistently fun to watch, they always show up for big games, and any team that can pull 35,000 people to a game on a Thursday night has some solid fans. But a team that only has to perform for one game all season because the rest of their games are against football powerhouses like New Mexico State, Idaho and UC Davis probably shouldn't start the coronation just yet. This was literally the first time a ranked opponent has played at Boise State during the regular season. That's a problem.

3) Nothing like the class act moment at the end when the Ducks' LaGarrette Blount (yes, that's a real name) punched a BSU player in the chin and had to be carried off the field by his coaches after going into the stands after a couple fans. You lost. Again. And he ought to be kicked off the team for the season simply for the negative press that he's given U of O. Also, just for the record, this is a person who tonight carried eight times for -5 yards. Mm hmm.

4) Also, who gives Bob Davie a microphone? He had some really incredible things to say tonight, but my very favorite tonight was when he said he'd been in Chip Kelley's shoes before (when Kelley's team was down 19-0 early). Yep, you have, Bob. And that's why you're talking about football instead of coaching it.

In other news, today Jeff Jagodzinski was fired by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers before the NFL season even started. For those of you not particularly fascinated by Boston College football, allow me to fill you in. Jagodzinski came to BC two seasons ago and immediately made a splash, with big-win seasons and Matt Ryan in the Heisman hunt. Unlike our previous coach, Tom O'Brien, Jags liked to go for it on fourth down. He was a fun coach to watch with lots of tricks up his sleeve. And then he got fired by BC for taking an NFL interview with the Jets. He wasn't going to get the job, but it was a nice gesture, essentially an NFL team saying, 'Hey, this guy's doing good work at BC and we'd like to give him a shout-out.'

I didn't support the firing, because I thought Jags did great things for our program. But now, before the year even starts, Jags is fired from Tampa Bay where he'd taken over as offensive coordinator. Man. I don't know what the deal is, but it's pretty interesting. I'm curious about what our boy Gene DeFilippo is thinking right now. Or what he'll be thinking after BC barely beats Northeastern on Saturday...

Damn...

Another in the series I call...

NO HELMETS

Troy Smith, ladies. To be fair, this is an Ohio State man. Which doesn't particularly give me pause, because without a helmet, he's super super hot. He plays for the Baltimore Ravens these days. And holy smokes is really the only thing I can say.

One day more...

Well, friends, the time has almost come.

Tonight is like Christmas Eve for football fans. To get it out there: Boise State by 10 tomorrow night. I tend to root against the Ducks, as a rule.

But for me, Christmas has already come, in the form of a fantastic Rich Rodriguez dressing-down over the past few days. If you haven't seen this news, here you go: University of Michigan's current players told a Detroit Free Press reporter how hard they'd been working, that they'd been putting in NCAA-violation hours...I mean, can you imagine being this reporter? You're sitting there like, really? Tell me more, kids.

Of course, Mr. Rodriguez, who I would like to point out went 3-9 last season in his first year as coach, blames the media for this indiscretion. I mean, aside from the fact that he cried during the press conference, he basically said he cared a lot about his players and didn't understand why that wasn't the story here.

Um, because you cheated. And yes, other programs cheat. I'm sure of it, in fact. But that doesn't make it right. And of course, everyone's favorite abuser of the sweater vest, Jim Tressel, says it's really hard to keep kids from working hard to get better at a sport. Here's a theory: you tell them the rules, and tell them to follow the rules. You're the coach, you set the guidelines and the expectations.

Anyway, that was a highlight of my weekend, although the true highlight of my weekend was teaching a two-year-old to do a Michael Jackson "whoo!" whenever I sang Beat It.

Today I was handed this little dream, which I find truly entertaining because if I had the money, I would totally post billboards around the country when the mood struck: http://sportsbybrooks.com/angry-fans-unite-to-bash-charlie-weis-via-billboard-25892