The battle for last place

Sorry guys.

I stink because I failed to write anything for the past week or so.

Let me explain. I coach a boys soccer team. They're 8 and they're not very good. And they take up a lot of my time; incidentally, they also make me not want to have any children.

However, I have a job to do. So here you go.

I'm no longer talking about Boston College. First of all, they gained just 11 yards in the second half of their game against Virginia Tech on Saturday. Here's the problem with that: VT lost to a Div I-AA team, and also that's awful.

11 yards. You can walk that in like 10 seconds.

In other news, Notre Dame sucks too.

Now here's where it gets really bad: they play each other this weekend. It's the battle of who is the worst team in Division I-A. Get ready. It's going to be awful.

Why can't either of my teams have this guy?

I have bad news for you guys. There aren't really any good games today.

It's hard to get excited about the Texas Tech - Texas game when the man who was obsessed with pirates and UFOs and who was often invited to do the weather on the Lubbock TV station is gone.

That's right, folks. Mike Leach was a great coach who got fired for allegedly locking Adam James, the son of ESPN commentator Craig James, in an equipment locker after he got a mild concussion (or, perhaps, was just being a baby).

He was hilarious. Check out this ESPN video about him: I'm not joking when I say he loves pirates.

Without him, I really don't care about the Texas Tech - Texas game, except to see the new Texas QB who is replacing the boy named Colt. Unfortunately the new Texas QB has a way less interesting, ridiculous and Texas name.

Anyway, there aren't any games I'm very excited about. Though it will be interesting to see whether Virginia Tech is so bad that they lose to Eastern Carolina University after a loss last week to James Madison. That would be real real bad.

"Return of Heisman not an admission of guilt" -- This is hilarious

Bahahahaha this is the funniest, stupidest thing I've read in a long time.

Ok, Reggie. Ok.

NO HELMETS

Welcome to NO HELMETS, where we take a quick look at a hot dude without his helmet on. This week's entry is Dayne Crist, who aside from the fact that he took almost the entire first half of the Michigan game to regain his eyesight and cost his team the game (no biggie, dude), is hot.

He's cute enough, in fact, that I'll forgive the fact that his name is Dayne.

The ACC sucks

I know I'm not the first person to bring this up. But man, it's embarrassing.

When the two teams that were selected in the preseason to be national title contenders, or at least to be in the top 25, fail to win a game in the first two weeks...you've got problems.

Virginia Tech lost to Boise State in a great game with bad playcalling in the final two minutes. I don't care how much trust you have in a quarterback named Tyrod, you don't throw with less than two minutes remaining on a 3rd and 8 when the Potato People have no timeouts remaining. You just don't. The result -- Boise State marches down the field and takes the Hokies out.

But then VTech followed that sort-of impressive performance up with a loss at home to James Madison. For the record, this is a I-AA team. So there's no excuse. None.

The bad news for Boston College is that we have a week off and then have to play VTech. The Hokies will either have given up by our game or they'll be all kinds of pissed off and will destroy us. I'm going with the latter.

Meanwhile, over in the heartland, Notre Dame - Michigan proves to me the following: don't be a quarterback for Notre Dame. Ever.

My first reaction when the starting quarterback (who is a fine specimen of man, by the way) sat out a series early in the first half was: get your ass back in the game, you pussy.

Which really? Probably isn't the best reaction to have to someone who can't see out of their right eye. But I was overwhelmed by the fact that this guy who by all accounts did not suffer a concussion and who the sideline reporter said "just doesn't feel good" had been given the starting job for a hallowed university in a home game against an archrival, and was sitting out because he didn't feel well. And the Irish lost. So you have your answer right there.

In other news, I think Oregon is dangerously good. Or else haven't played anyone yet. I take that back -- they're a combination of good and untested. They'll continue that theme by taking on Portland State this weekend. In fact, they won't really be tested until maybe Oct 2 against Stanford or maybe Oct 30 when the Ducks take on USC.

I know what various Duck fans will say -- we went into an SEC stadium and put up nearly 50 points. Yes, that's true. Unfortunately that SEC stadium is Rocky Top, and Tennessee has been not so hot the past couple years (12-13, for those of you challenging me). Also those 12 wins include victories over Ohio, Western Kentucky, UAB and Northern Illinois.

Now then: Reggie Bush has decided (finally) to give up his Heisman Trophy. I'd like to point out that will be the first time ever the trophy has been taken away. People have said to me, "OJ got to keep his Heisman and he murdered people." I have a couple comebacks for this, among them that OJ was not technically convicted of murder, and also that OJ didn't murder people during his time at USC and also that OJ murdering people didn't affect his amateur status the way Reggie's taking money and a house from some people did.

A house. I just want people to remember that, when you pay your mortgage or your rent each month. He accepted a HOUSE.

Did you guys know that this Florida wide receiver was arrested for stalking his ex-girlfriend this week?


I probably wouldn't want to get a text message from someone saying "Time to die, bitch." Not going to lie. But he looks friendly enough. Also -- he's only 5 foot 9. Just a side note.

On the subject of Florida, I'm curious -- do you think that if the Gators turn out to be not-so-good this season, as it appears they will, Urban Meyer will return to his crazy person ways? I mean, the guy nearly died last season from coaching. This year he's adopted this calm persona and I got to tell you, it's not working out so hot. They look not so great. Just a thought.

I have a theory...

...and it goes like this: if in the first week of college football season, your team shouldn't play a team you can't identify on a map. Likewise, your team shouldn't play a team in a division below yours. Etc. Etc.
I say this because while I'm sure it was a real blast to watch Oregon beat New Mexico by the classy score of 72-0, it didn't make anyone better. Oregon is not a better team for beating NM in that fashion; the Ducks may, actually, be worse today. Likewise, Boston College should not seek out a team like Weber State to measure its self-worth (which, judging by a 38-20 score, is not very high). It's the same way with Florida State v Samford, or Florida v Miamo (of Ohio).

These are stupid games. I know it's nice to see the W in the win column and get a feel for what still needs to be worked on in the coming weeks. But it's not much fun to watch, in my opinion, and it doesn't accomplish much of anything.
On the other hand, I actually respect Oregon State's tough loss yesterday. That is a solid opener -- taking on TCU is a noble start to the season, and it was arguably Saturday's best game. It was also proof that the Beavers might be decent this year, and proof that TCU is going to win its entire season with little challenge.

But I can't get past the TCU quarterback. He's very talented, he's very strong, and he's very, very ginger. It's so shocking when he takes off his helmet! Every time I'm shocked. Like I forget while I'm watching him play, and then THIS happens:
I bet he's really nice. And smart. And funny. And I have nothing against a redhead. But it's just not something you see much in college football. I'm just throwing it out there.

That's actually all I have to say today. I'll get back to you soon. It is a long weekend, after all.

Musings on the opening day...

For those of you who don't know, today is the first day of college football!
Praise Jesus.

Now then, here are two important links I thought would make you happy today:

One, a look at former college football stars and what they're doing with their lives these days.
Two, 90210 is an important part of my life.

Utah decided it would be awesome day to remind the Big East that they suck at football, by beating #14 Pitt in OT. I honestly can't tell you much about Utah; I mean, I can tell you a lot of less than optimal things about the state but as for the football team, I am clueless. Here's something interesting about the state, though. To drink there, you have to join "private clubs." But you can still only drink 3.2 % beer.
In other news, I'm watching the USC - Hawaii game right now and I'm like 90 percent sure there's a guy on the team named Cheezy. As it turns out, the 5-10 running back's name literally? Is Chizzy Dimude. Through my investigatory journalism skills I learn that his full name is Chizimuzo, so yes, I would go by Chizzy. But with a name like that you BETTER be a big-time football player or else you will get your ass handed to you.
Oh! I almost forgot to show you the worst uniforms I've ever had the bad luck to encounter!

Check this out. And that's just VT. I will say I'm a pretty big fan of the gloves.

There are a pretty wide variety of these. I like a couple of them, but this one is the one I love: Alabama's houndstooth-themed numbers, in honor of Coach Bear Bryant who wore this ridiculous hat.

Anyway, time to watch Hawaii hopefully come back to whoop the Trojans. In the interim, I leave you with Utah's cutest team member in honor of their big win tonight.



Okay, so yeah, I picked the coach: Kyle Whittingham, because he's kind of adorable. Does this mean I'm getting old?

See you Saturday!